Stephen Colbert's "I Am America and So Can You!"

So, as promised here's the first of my book reviews. Before leaving for Korea, I bought The Prehistory of the Farside. I figured there would be times when I would feel homesick or lonely, and I really wanted a quick and easy way to laugh handy. One of my fellow teachers had the same idea. She smuggled the glorious treasure that is Colbert's I Am America and So Can You and then lent it to me. Thank God she did.

This book is absolutely fantastic! I can't give it enough praise, or at least I can't give it as much as Stephen Colbert gives it himself on the front and back covers. An erudite textbook of Colbert's pearls of wisdom on every subject for the average American. From family to immigrants to class warfare to universities to the future, Stephen Colbert creates a handbook for the way we should all think. Each chapter comes complete with footnotes, margin notes, a fun activity zone, and charts and graphs, so that when just the regular writing isn't enough, you can have extra Colbert thoughts on everything.

Nation, the best thing about it is his honesty (and, of course, how he's right about everything he says). The answer to our bleeding border controls? Stephen Colbert has it: take all the old people who've given their time, money, and sweat in service to this country and help them keep on giving. Put them on a row of porches with rocking chairs and let them yell at the Mexicans trying to step on the lawn of American soil. The answer to how to snazz up your love life? Stephen Colbert's questionnaire. If you have problems of any kind, from sex to sports to money to politics, get Colbert's book. He'll prove to you that as a red-blooded American you can face your problems because America is about freedom! (If you're an immigrant and reading this, I'm afraid there's nothing I can tell you.)

Since no one can speak as well for himself as Colbert, himself, here are some highlights from the bestest parts of the book.
1. The sex and dating questionnaire. Questions include: "What would you be willing to do to get someone to love you?"
a) anything b) not that
"Which president would you assassinate?"
a) Taft b) Ulysses S. Grant c) Harry Truman d) Martin Sheen
2. Colbert on foreign relations:
I'm afraid of Koreans.
Bamm! That's me right off the cuff. I think. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it.
3. Chart on how you know which class your in.
Question: "What keeps you up at night?" (Please check one.)
Lower class: The sound of my own weeping.
Middle class: The sneaking suspicion that I've been duped.
Upper class: Should I arrange my topiaries according to alphabetical order by the kind of plant or by the animal?
4. The chapter on "The Future"
Warning! Don't read until the future!
5. "Appropriate bookmarks for this book include: money (no less than a twenty) and another copy of this book."

Yes, folks, you have to buy it for yourselves and read it to get the full effect. I give it 7 Colbert stars*. Before you vote, read this book! Then vote the way a red-blooded American should vote: the way Fox news tells you to.

*Note: Each Colbert star is worth approximately one and a half normal stars.